Thursday, September 3, 2009

America's Favorite Sugar Fat Salt Bars


5. Milky Way
The bar made of chocolate malt-flavored nougat and caramel, and covered with milk chocolate single-handedly launched the company. Actually called "Mars bar" everywhere out of the United States, Milky Way traces its origins back to 1923. Originally, Frank Mars and his son Forrest wanted to market a chocolate malted drink in the form of a candy bar. That bar is now sold in three varieties: Midnight, Lite and Original.

Slogan: If only all good things could last this long.

NOTE: Pretty much one of the most BORING candy bars ever, besides the god damned 3 Musketeers which is a Milky Way WITHOUT the caramel. WTF who eats those!?!?


4. Butterfinger
Butterfinger consists of a crunchy blend of butter and peanut butter covered with chocolate; there's no better way to describe a Butterfinger than by its motto. For a while associated with Bart Simpson, who was the bar's "spokesperson," this flaky candy has been around since the 1920s. A creation of Otto Schnering and his Curtiss Candy Corporation, Butterfingers were also marketed by being dropped out of airplanes over cities in 40 states.

Slogan: Nothin' like a Butterfinger.

NOTE: Butterfinger's will never be #1 because of the MADDENING way they get stuck in your teeth. It's not worth the buttery peanut crunch. Also, is it safe to drop things from airplanes? I thought throwing a penny off the Empire State Building could kill people?

3. Kit Kat
Distinctive with its red and white wrapper, the chocolate-covered wafers apparently got their name from the famous London Kit Kat club, an 18th century literary club. The only paintings that could fit inside the rooms with very low ceilings were called "kats" (they were wide but not very high).

Although the jingle of this candy bar makes it look like a new product, Kit Kat actually originated in England in 1935. Back then, it was known as Rowntree's Chocolate Crisp. It wasn't until 1937 that the name was changed to Kit Kat.

Slogan: Have a break, have a Kit Kat.

NOTE: SO fun to eat these meticulously. Bite the chocolate off side by side then eat each layer...a bit lackluster though.


2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
After finding various degrees of success with his own candy bars, Harry Burnett Reese started making peanut butter cups covered with chocolate in 1923. He had been a dairy employee of Milton S. Hershey, but figured that if his boss could make a fortune with candy, then so could he. The yellow and brown candy was first sold in syndicated stores and vending machines. It was in the '40s and '50s that it gained nationwide recognition.

Slogan: There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.

NOTE: There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's, you hear that you smug ass people who insist on showing everyone in the room that you can eat a hold out of the middle?? That's so 1994 dude....


1. Snickers
How can you go wrong with nougat, caramel, roasted peanuts, and milk chocolate? Exactly, and that's why it's the number one selling candy bar in America. First launched in 1930, it was named after a favorite horse of the Mars family.

Not only is it nutritious -- after all it does contain protein and dairy products -- it's also delicious and fills you up quite nicely.

Slogan: Hungry? Grab a Snickers.

NOTE: Snickers are fucking delicious. Period. But they are also one of the most engineered candy bars on the market. It's made to be hyper palatable so you really can't stop putting it in your mouth, it's the perfect combo of sugar, fat and salt. Also, they made a decision to break up the peanuts so small so you don't have to chew, they just slide down your throat encased in caramel. Sorta gross. Sorta delicious. More gross.

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