Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

FROM THE ONION:

PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in his hometown of Paducah, regularly participating in Bible-study devotionals with his mother and four sisters, and faithfully adhering to the dictums of his strict fundamentalist Christian upbringing.

Throughout his post-pubescent life, Leske has also, like all male humans, been gripped by an intense, all-consuming desire to ejaculate sperm, but has been unable to do so out of fear of incurring the wrath of God and suffering an eternity of agonizing punishment in the afterlife.

A part-time prep-cook and odd-job yardwork handyman when not volunteering as a Bible witness to local shut-ins and nursing-home residents, the young Leske has never had much time for socializing with members of the opposite sex. Nevertheless, last week, Leske announced his intention to marry fellow Christian Luann Ruth Perkins, also a member of Holy Christ Almighty, whom he met on a church-sponsored Luther League hayride two months ago.

Leske cited his irresistible desire to achieve sexual climax and ejaculate sperm without having to go to hell as the number one factor in his decision to propose marriage.

"I really want to discharge semen," he said. "I mean I really, really, really want to really bad."

Living his 22 years inviolate under strict fundamentalist doctrine, Leske has never ejaculated, for to do so outside the holy bonds of sacramental matrimony would mean non-negotiable, eternal punishment upon death.

"I don't want to go to hell," said Leske, explaining his decision not to engage in premarital ejaculation. "I am absolutely terrified of the burning and scorching of my impure, unclean flesh in the Lake of Fire; the prodding and stabbing by pitchforks wielded by demons; and, in particular, the unending, eternal torment in pits of boiling pitch as Satan the Deceiver laughs in sadistic glee."

Burning with a desire to ejaculate so overwhelming that it has threatened to dwarf even his love for Christ, Leske has, ever since puberty, researched the subject at length, discovering "five score and seventeen" different methods by which males can achieve ejaculation. Unfortunately, Leske said, not one of them is permissible under fundamentalist-Christian law.

"Homosexuality, masturbation, oral-genital contact, frottage, shoe fetishes, barnyard animals, leaning up against a washing machine on spin cycle—I could go on and on," Leske said. "I would have gladly tried any one of these, because, like I said, I really, really want to ejaculate. Regrettably, though, they are all punishable by eternal torment in the demon pits, so it was pretty much either get married or give up on ejaculating completely."

While Leske is greatly looking forward to marriage and the sweet release of sperm it will bring, he noted that even in holy wedlock, fundamentalist Christian doctrine limits permissible ejaculation to just one circumstance: sexual congress for the purpose of procreation.

"I'm going to want to start a family pretty much immediately," he said. "If I can get a raise and a second job, I figure I might be able to eventually support a family of as many as six or seven offspring. That means I should hopefully get to ejaculate seven times before I die. I know, you're thinking, 'That's not much.' But believe me, it will sure beat the heck out of what I'm doing now, which is not ejaculating at all."

Leske does admit to harboring some doubts about his upcoming nuptials. "What if Luann, never having seen a naked man before, is so frightened that she refuses to allow me to ejaculate?" he said. "Divorce would be out of the question, and I'd be trapped forever in a non-ejaculatory marriage. It will probably work out okay, though: Once she becomes my wife, I should be able to command her to do whatever I say, and, even if it's against her wishes, it will be her Christian duty to obey me."

No date has been set for the wedding, but Leske said he would like it to take place "as soon as humanly possible."

"I have opened my heart and mind to Jesus Christ, the Son of God the Father, my Lord and Savior in Heaven, who died on the cross for my sins, that I might be born again in His blood. And I yearn for the righteous power of the Holy Spirit to fill me with holy inspiration. But I also yearn—desperately yearn, yearn with indescribable longing, I mean really, really yearn—to ejaculate. If it were up to me I would prefer to ejaculate right now. This minute. No lie."

I had to look this one up:

frottage: Consensual sexual rubbing between partners