(Picture is an anal sex public service add from 1951. What!?!?
Author Dan Savage:
Where to begin? How about here…
If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: you don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.
I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty — no anal during your butt menses! — and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.
And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?
“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to Elliott’s remarks: “forty percent of men and thirty-five percent of women between twenty-five and forty-four had engaged in heterosexual anal sex. Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as twenty-four percent and some as high as fifty-six percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say thirty-eight-point-eight percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of eighteen and sixty-five in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half — 3,800,000 — are gay males. Polls indicate that between fifty-five and eighty percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average — sixty-seven-point-five percent — that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”
Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more — a whole lot more — than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)
